This big, nasty,
sweaty woman wearing a sleeveless sundress walks into a bar.
She raises her right arm, revealing a big, hairy armpit as she points
to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will
buy a lady a drink?"
The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her.
At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar
and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"
The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.
After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and
points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, saying,
"What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says,
"Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"
After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the
little drunk and says, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady
a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"
The drunk replies, "Sir! In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg
up that high has got to be a ballerina!"
Two men are sitting
drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first
man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that
if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the
10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry
you around the building and back into the window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way that could
happen." "No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you."
He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the
street below.
When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building
and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up
to the bar.
He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw
that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No,
I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps.
Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently
carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he
urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hey," the second
guy says, "it works, I'll try it!"
He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th,
8th floors ...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.' Back upstairs the
Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, sometimes
you can be a real jerk."
A bear walks into
a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.
He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in
bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer
to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going
to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully
bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and
as promised, eats the woman.
He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully
bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
A drunk with a pig
under his arm and a parrot on his shoulder; a blonde, a brunette and
a redhead; Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky; a farmer, a farmer's daughter
and a travelling salesman; a minister, a rabbi and a priest; an Irishman,
an Italian and a Pole; a doctor, a lawyer and an engineer; a piano player
and a monkey; three nuns; a redneck; God, St. Peter and a second lawyer
walk into a bar. (Continued below).
The Bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"
A drunk gets up
from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from
the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the
bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is
screaming about.
"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!
"
" I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the heck out of my testicles."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot!
You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!
A man walks into
a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool
alone.
He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw
anybody at any time, any where -- your place or my place, it doesn't
matter to me."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says... "No kidding, what law firm do
you work for?"
A man goes into
a bar on the Shankill road with his pet crocodile.
He asks "do you serve catholics?"
The bartender replies "Yes, we're very open-minded here. what can I
get you?"
The man replies "A pint of Guinness and 2 catholics for the crocodile."
A man walks into
a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice
juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir,"replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
A wino walked into
a bar one day, and started begging for drinks.
One of the patrons tells him he'll buy the old sot a drink, but first
he has to take a drink from the spittoon over in the corner.
The wino is in a bad way, so he takes the guy up on his offer, goes
over and picks up the spittoon, raises it to his lips, and starts chugging
away.
The guy at the bar, who didn't really believe the wino would take him
up on his offer, is horrified. "Stop! Stop!" he yells, "I'll buy you
a drink now!"
But the wino keeps on drinking from the spittoon. Again the guy at the
bar calls out, "Stop! Put the spittoon down! I'll buy you a drink!"
But the wino keeps on drinking.
Finally, after about five minutes he stops, and puts the spittoon down.
So the guy at the bar says, "Hey, didn't you hear me telling you to
stop? Why didn't you stop?"
"I couldn't," the wino replies, "it was all one string."
Three guys are
in a bar discussing how much their wives bitch at them.
They decide that when they get home, they'll do the first thing that
the women ask.
The next night, their in the same bar. The first guy says, "Man, I don't
think that our idea was so great! I was sitting on the couch watching
TV, and I dropped my cigarette on the couch. my wife said why don't
you burn the whole house down? That place is still smouldering."
The second guy said, "That ain't nothing. I was working on the car,
and dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender. She said why don't you
tear the whole car apart? It took me all night."
The third guy said, "you guys don't have nothing on me. When I walked
in the door, my wife was doing the dishes, and I felt a little romantic.
I reached down, and she said 'Cut that out!' Ever seen one of these
real close?"
These three guys
are sitting at a bar arguing which one has the ugliest wife.
The conversation begins to get heated to the point of the barkeeper
telling them to get the hell out or shut up! In fact he says, "why don't
you settle it once and for all and just visit each others house and
decide for yourselves..."
Damn Good idea they agree, finish their drinks and make off for the
first guys house.
Upon arriving he bangs on his door and the wife answers, she's not pretty
and he turns to collect the bet from the other two. Not so fast says
the second, I got that beat.
And off they go to his house... He bangs on the door and his wife comes
to answer the door opens and all three step back in fright, she's damn
ugly. He asks to collect the bet but the third guy says sorry I've got
you both beat.
He goes to his house and walks right in, there's no sign of anyone around.
He stomps his foot on the trap door in the floor and they all hear this
voice say "Is that you honey?"
"Yeah it's me," he says.
"Do you want me to come out?" she asks
"Yes please," he says.
"Should I put the bag on my head?" she asks.
He says, "No. I don't want to fuck you, I just want to show you off!"
Two buddies were
sharing drinks in the local pub, while discussing their wives. "Does
your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one. "Well, no, not exactly.
She's more into the 'trick dog' aspect of it," his buddy replied.
"Oh, I see! Man! Kinky, huh!?"
"Well, no, not at all. You see, it's like this... I sit up 'n' beg,
then she rolls over and 'plays dead'."
A stunningly beautiful
woman walked into a bar and sat down.
She was followed a few minutes later by a man who took a seat at the
end of the bar. He immediately noticed the beauty and, since this was
his local hangout, figured the bartender would do him a favor.
"Jack, here's a twenty-dollar bill," whispered the man, leaning over
the bar, "slip her some Spanish fly."
"I don't have any Spanish fly," said the bartender, "but a customer
gave me some Jewish fly."
"Jewish fly!" exclaimed the man, "what does THAT do?"
"I don't know," answered the bartender. "Why don't we try it and find
out?"
The next time the woman needed a refill, the bartender put the Jewish
fly powder in her drink. She finished the drink, and a few minutes later
got up and sidled over to the man.
She put her arm around his shoulder, put her other hand on his knee,
and began to rub the inside of his leg. "You attract me," she purred.
"I'd like to do something with you tonight."
"Honey, I'll do anything you want," gasped the man.
"Great! Take me shopping at Bloomingdale's!"
