A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly.
As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct
her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics,
and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in.
"I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting
to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly.
The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to
worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in
horror as she crashed about half a mile away.
He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was
going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely
remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"
A married couple
were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning, the wife (undoubtedly
blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should
I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some young woman wanting to know 'if the
coast is clear."
Two blondes are
walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans
down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm,
this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the
mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
A blonde suspects
her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she
finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the
gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next."
What did the blonde
say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
A blonde had just
totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a
scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that
was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed
the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving
along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front
of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved
to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there
was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ........"
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off. "There isn't a tree
on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back
and forth".
A blonde walks up
to a Coke machine in a Las Vegas casino, puts in a few coins, and out
pops a Coke.
She puts some more coins into the machine, another can of soda pops
out.
She keeps putting in coins, and cans of soda keep coming out.
A guy walks up behind her and says, "Can I please use the machine?"
"Get Away!" she says. "Can't you see I'm winning?"
I told my blonde
girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting.
She told me she didn't know how to cook them.
This blonde and
her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her
boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"
A dumb Blonde died
and went to Heaven.
When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before
you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.
"Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.
The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
"That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter
Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy
tells me..."
Did you hear about
the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to
Hug"?
Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...
A blonde's response
to the comment, "THINK about it!":
"I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!"
A government study
has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who
with.
... then there was
the blonde who started the restaurant with the slogan "Billions Served
- just today"
What about the
blonde who gave birth to twins?
Her husband is out looking for the other man.
A painting contractor
was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said
she would like a pale blue.
The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and
yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!"
In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in
a soft yellow.
He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled
"GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room
she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.
The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled
"GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod
across the street.
Did you hear about
the blonde who:
had more on her body than on her mind?
was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?
took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient?
had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy
cat?
after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
Two blondes observed
in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a
coat hanger:
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to
rain and the top is down!
A blonde, a brunette
and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender: Brunette: "I'll
have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"
Two brunettes and
a blonde are in the hospital awaiting the arrival of their first children.
The 1st brunette says, "I just know I'm going to have a girl, 'cuz I
conceived while I was on my back".
The 2nd brunette says, "Mine's going to be a boy, 'cuz I was on top
during conception".
The blonde says, "Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!"
There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal
checkups.
The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived
?"
"He was on top ", she replied. "You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.
The second woman was asked the same question. "I was on top ", was the
reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.
With this, the third women, a blond, burst into tears.
"Whats the matter ?" asked the doc. "Am I going to have puppies ?".....
Blondes... They
take a lickin', and keep on... Lickin!
Did you hear the
one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her
ears?
Over the weekend
I(can't remember name - on newsgrazer) heard a blonde telling this joke:
Blonde Asks: What do you call a blonde in between two brunettes?
Blonde Answers: An interprolater!
We were laughing so hard we thought we were going to die. The funny
part was that she thought we were laughing at her joke.
Did you here about
the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ?
It finally dawned on here.
A blonde was driving
down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND
LEFT".
After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned
around and drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN
RESTROOMS 8 MILES".
By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
How about the suicide
blonde, she dyed by her own hand.
A brunette and a
blonde are walking along in a park.
The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie".
The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
A policeman pulled
a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way
street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people
were leaving.
A cop stops a blonde
woman who was driving down a motorway.
"Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?"
"Driver's licence? What's that?..." "It's a little card with your picture
on it."
"Oh, duh! Here it is..." "May I have your car insurance?"
"What's that?..." "It's a document that says you are allowed to drive
the car."
"Oh this? Duh! Here you go..."
The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims:"Oh
no, not another breathalyzer test!"
Hubby: As a start
I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without the ironing
lady.
Blonde Wife: Well, if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do
without the gardener.
A blonde and a brunette
were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.
Three blondes are
attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb? Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on? Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on? Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up? Blonde: No, it's working
fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and
hurt ourselves.
There were three
people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.
The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about
20 miles to shore.
So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore."
So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles
from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made
it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here
and starve."
So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than
the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After
15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think
I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles,
15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island.
The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!"
So she swam back.
Teller: Why did
the blonde move to L.A.?
Blonde: I don't know. Why?
Teller: It was easier to spell.
Blonde: Easier than what?
Two blondes were
walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at
the deer tracks."
The other blonde looks and says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are
wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks."
They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both
killed by a train.
The blonde came
running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what was wrong and the
blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her.
Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about
the birds and the bees and the blonde said: "No ma. I can fuck and suck
with the best of them.
But he says I can't cook"
Confucious say:
blonde who fly upside down have crack up.
At a carwash in
Burbank, there were two identical Hondas coming out at the same time.
A beautiful blond woman jumps into one and takes off, leaving its owner
rather perplexed.
About three minutes later, she reappears at the car wash yelling, "who
ripped off my car phone!"
Last night I went
home to my blonde girlfriend, and told her I was going to screw her
brains out.
Then I realized I was too late.
A blonde goes into
the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex).
She walks up to the pharmicist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?"
"They're $1 for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for the tax."
"Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on."
Another blonde,
another store.
She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to
buy some deodorant for my husband."
"Does he use the ball kind?" enquired the clerk.
"No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."
Brunete walks into a sextoy shop
She asks, "How much
for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before."
She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the
black dildo?"
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white
one before..."
She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much
are your dildos?"
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." She: "Hmmmmm....how much
is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165." She thinks
for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a
plaid one before...."
She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was
gone?" To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one
white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
Imitation of a blonde
refuelling.. (Flap hand, blowing air into ears)
After many hours
of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just
picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his
just-spent energy.
He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it, he realizes
his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks it in the glass to cool
it off.
Just then the blonde walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you
refilled those."
A blonde and a brunette
were talking one day.
The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but
she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"
Person 1: What's
the difference between a blonde and garbage?
Person 2: Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
Person 1: Wrong. You tie the garbage up before you take it out.
Did you hear what
the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained
to her that she needed a liquor license? "Oh, it's not gonna be THAT
kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"
There was a blonde
driving down the road listening to the radio.
The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde
was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw
another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing.
The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes
like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there
and give you what's coming to you!"
A dumb blonde was
bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals (or for Bill Clinton
capitols).
She proudly said," go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."
A blonde was walking
along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly,
the bird drops a load when it was directly over her.
The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit
me right in the face!!!"
