Why do men prefer
blondes? Men always like intellectual company.
Why do men like
love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time.
A woman of 35 thinks
of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.
How can you tell
soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out
of bed.
What should you
give a man who has everything? A. A woman to show him how to work it.
B. Penicillin
Why do black widow
spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it
starts.
Why don't men have
mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence.
How does a man
show he's planning for the Future? He buys two cases of beer instead
of one.
How was Colonel
Sanders a typical male? All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
How is being at
a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the
clowns don't talk.
Why do men chase
women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase
cars they have no intention of driving.
Why are husbands
like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and
don't work half time.
What's the difference
between a new husband and a new dog?
A.A dog is always happy to see you
B.A dog only takes a couple of months to train
Why is sleeping
with a man like a soap opera? Just when it's getting interesting, they're
finished until next time.
Why are blonde jokes
so short? So men can remember them.
What do you call
a man with half a brain? Gifted.
What is the difference
between a man and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and
the other is a fish.
What did God say
after creating man? I can do better. Husband: Want a quickie? Wife:
As opposed to what?
Why do men want
to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.
What do you have
when you have two little balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention.
What do you call
an intelligent man in America? A tourist.
Why do jocks play
on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing. If men got pregnant....
abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through
windows.
Why do men name
their penises? Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the
one who makes all their decisions.
Why is it so hard
for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.
Did you hear about
the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics? He had it bronzed.
Why do men like
masturbation? Its sex with someone they love.
How do some men
define Roe vs. Wade? Two ways to cross a river.
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
Husband: I don't
know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. Wife: You
wear briefs, don't you?
What's the difference
between a porcupine and a Corvette? The porcupine has pricks on the
outside.
How many men does
it take to pop popcorn? Three. One to hold the pan and two others to
act macho and shake the stove.
What is a man's
view of safe sex? A padded headboard.
How do men sort
their laundry? "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable". Only a man would
buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
Why did God create
man? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Why were men given
larger brains than dogs?
A.So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
B.So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you
take them around the block.
Why does the stupid
man put ice in his condom? To keep the swelling down.
What is the thinnest
book in the world? "What men know about women."
How many men does
it take to screw a light bulb?
A.One - men will screw anything.
B.One - men will screw up anything.
C.Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag
about it
How does a man take
a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner.
What is a man's
idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging.
How can you tell
if a man is aroused? He's breathing.
What's the difference
between men and government bonds? Bonds mature. How do you save a man
from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
What do men and
beer have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
How can you tell
if a man is happy? Who cares?
How many men does
it take to change a roll of toilet paper? Who knows? - did it ever happen??
How are men and
parking spots alike? The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly
handicapped or extremely small.
What is a man's
idea of doing housework? Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
What is the difference
between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
What does a man
consider a seven course meal? A hot dog and a six pack.
Do you know why
bankers are good lovers? They know first hand the penalty for early
withdrawal.
Why are men like
laxatives? They can irritate the shit out of you.
Do you know why
men have holes in the end of their penises? So oxygen can get into their
brains
How do you get
a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes
Why is it good that
there are women astronauts? So that when the crew gets lost in space,
at least the women will ask for directions
How do men exercise
on the beach? By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini
Why do men like
blonde jokes so much? Because they can understand them
What are two reasons
why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind. 2. No business.
Why is a woman different
from a PC? A woman won't accept a 3½" floppy
Why is a man different
from a PC? You only have to tell the PC once
What do you do with
a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift? Exchange him. Why do bachelors
like smart women? Opposites Attract.
What's the difference
between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still
excited to see you.
Why do doctors slap
babies' butts right after they're born? To knock the penises off the
smart ones.
What is that insensitive
bit at the base of the penis called? The man.
Why is psychoanalysis
quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to childhood,
he's already there.
What do you call
a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What do a clitoris,
an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.
Why are men like
commercials? You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like
blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why do so many women
fake orgasm? Because so many men fake foreplay.
