"Let's
pick on men instead of blondes"
1. What do you call
a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
2. What does it
mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
3. Why do only 10%
of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
4. Why do men like
smart women? Opposites attract.
5. How are men like
lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and
half the time they don't work.
6. How do men define
a "50/50" relationship? We cook, they eat; we clean, they dirty; we
iron, they wrinkle.
7. How do men exercise
on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
8. How do you get
a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
9. How is Colonel
Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts
and thighs.
10. How many men
does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE .........He just holds it
up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
11. What did God
say after creating man? "I can do so much better."
12. What do most
men consider a gourmet restaurant? Any place without a drive-up window.
13. What do you
call a man with half a brain? Gifted.
14. What do you
do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
15. What should
you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
16. What's a man's
idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
17. What's the best
way to force a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his
toes.
18. Why are all
dumb blonde jokes one-liners? So men can understand them.
19. Why did God
create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough
draft before creating your masterpiece.
20. Why do female
black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring
before it starts.
21. Why do jocks
play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing.
22. Why do men need
instant replay on TV sports? Because after 30 seconds they forget what
happened.
23. Why does it
take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because not one will stop
and ask for directions.
24. Why is it good
that there are female astronauts? When the crew gets lost in space,
at least the woman will ask for directions.
25. Why is psychoanalysis
a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to his
childhood, he's already there.
Men
are Like
Men are like.....Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like......Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like.....Vacations.
They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like.....Bank
Machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.
Men are like.....Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
Men are like.....Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like.....Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like.....Chocolate
Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like.....Coffee
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like.....Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like.....Department
Stores. Their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like.....Government
bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Lawn
Mowers. If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like.....Snowstorms.
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long
he will last.
