An executive was
in quandary.
He had to get rid of one of his staff.
He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified
and both did excellent work.
He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water
cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all
night.
She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the
executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before,
but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied: "Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache.
This guy owns a
horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend.
"I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse,
I'm sending him over."
The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female
horse.
"A female horth," the midget replies.
So the owner shows him one.
"Nith looking horth, can I sthee her mouth?"
So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nith mouth. Can I sthee her eyesth?"
So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horses eyes.
"Ok, what about the earsth?"
Now the owner is getting irritated, but he picks up the midget one more
time and shows him the horses ears.
"OK, finally, I'd like to sthee her twat."
Outraged, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's
twat, then pulls him out.
Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I thould rephrathe that.
Can I sthee her run?
One evening a man
was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle
of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer
her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in
deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying
they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with
her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date
said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up
the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the
peanut flew out.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought
the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful.
Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"
The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, he's going to be
our son in-law!"
This bloke walks
into a bar and orders a double scotch.
After the bartender hands him the drink, he pours it down in one gulp
and says, "Give me another."
The bartender says, "Hey mate, what are you celebrating?" and the guy
says, "My first headjob."
"All right!" says the bartender. "Have this one on the house."
The guy says, "Keep 'em coming, I've just got to get this taste out
of my mouth!"
Two prostitutes
were talking. The first one said, "Last night I made $500 and I feel
like a bottle of champagne." "Well, last night I made $5000," said the
second, "and I feel like a pot of glue!"
A bloke stopped
his car outside a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could use his
dunny. "Sure you can, mate, but I gotta warn you - it's a bit of a mess,"
the cocky said. "My wife takes salts, you see."
The bloke made his way to the shithouse at the back of the yard. There
he saw that the farmer hadn't exaggerated. The ceiling, floor and walls
of the dunny were all covered in shit.
He used it anyway and made his escape outside as quickly as he could,
but still stopped to thank the farmer.
"By the way," the bloke asked, "what kind of salts does your wife take?"
"Er, somersaults," replied the farmer.
Did you hear about
the Pom who came out here, married an Australian prostitute and dragged
her down to his level?
Two young girls
were talking about their sex lives when the first girl says, "Oh my
god! , it was really great, but I was Sooo scared after his rubber broke.
I didn't get a good night's sleep for a week."
"What happened." Says her intrigued friend.
"I didn't know what I was going to do, but I was finally able to get
the last little piece of it out with dental floss."
A prostitute had
a slow night and decided to catch a cab home.
When she got to the destination she told the cabbie she had no money,
then she lifted her skirt and said, "Take it outta that".
The cabbie turned around and said to the pro, "Haven't you got anything
smaller?"
A man and a woman
were waiting at the hospital donation center.
"What are you doing here today?" says the bloke to the woman next to
him. "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5
for it." She says.
"Ahh, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they
pay me $25." The bloke replies.
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and after chatting a for a
little while longer they went their separate ways.
A month later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
"Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?" the man asks the woman.
The woman then starts shaking her head and says "Mmm-mmm-mmmm-mmmm"
One day four nuns
living in a remote monastery are killed in a tragic accident.
They go to heaven and are greeted at the pearly gates by St. Paul.
He tells them they must repent their sins before he can admit them to
heaven and asks them if they have ever had any illicit dealings with
men.
The first nun nervously says: "Father I have sinned. Once a handsome
young man came to the monastery and asked for temporary lodgings before
continuing on his way. On the first day as he was changing in his room
after washing I peeked through the keyhole and saw his manhood. Please
forgive me."
St Paul replied: "My child. This is only a small transgression. Wash
your eyes in that pool of holy water over there and then you may enter
the kingdom of God".
The nun washes her eyes and joyously enters heaven.
Then the second nun shyly says: "Father I too have sinned. On the second
day of the young man's stay I also passed by his room as he was changing.
The door was slightly ajar and so I glanced in. I saw that his manhood
was standing proud so I entered the room and relieved him with my hand.
Father forgive me."
St Paul replied: "My child you have broken your vows but you are not
beyond redemption. God is forgiveness. Wash you hands in the pool of
holy water and you too may enter the kingdom of God".
Relieved the nun washes her hands and passes through the pearly gates.
With more confidence now the third nun approaches St Paul and begins
to speak: "Father I have sinned..."
But immediately the fourth nun interrupts her. "Father may I go next?
I want to wash my mouth out in the water before she sits in it."
A woman is picked
up by a basketball player in a bar.
They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He
removes his shirt and she sees that on his arm is a tattoo which reads
"Reebok."
She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it.
He says "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and
Reebok pays me for the advertisement."
A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg.
He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.
Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "Aids" tattooed
on his penis.
She jumps back with shock. "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has
Aids!
He says "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "Adidas".
